Breaking point

At the beginning of this Lockdown I’ve posted about feeling quite privileged about my quarantine circumstances and about being able to cope with it quite well. Though I acknowledge that I am still privileged to have been going through Lockdown in fairly good conditions and with an amazing partner, my ability to cope with it has been less stable in the last month. My ups and (especially) downs started pretty much during the time George Floyd was brutally killed, and I felt as though the world was dealing with a wound that was much greater than mine, so I never posted about it. Though that battle is far from being over, I feel that at this point it is legit to share my own humble experience.

My private little crisis probably had quite a few triggers. The first one was my expectation. Following coronavirus’s course at its early stages, I was looking at China as a point of reference, and I was mentally preparing myself for a lockdown that would last for about two months, as it did in China. At the time, little did I know that the UK was going to become one of the worst hit countries, and that it would take MUCH longer. When we hit the two-month mark, I started feeling uneasy.

The second problem was the fact that me and my partner started having hiccups. It was nothing major, but being cooped up in a one bedroom apartment for two months was starting to take its toll on us and we started getting out of sync, getting annoyed with each other and were generally less of a support system to one another.

The third issue was the fact that Israel, where many of my friends live, and where I would have probably been had I not been in Edinburgh, was starting to open up. It was happening quite rapidly. I watched as my friends went back to dancing and taking classes at studios, I watched them getting back to work in “real life”, socializing and pretty much getting back to normal. I was Zoomed into the studio, to see a bunch of my best friends standing side by side while I was behind a screen. That was heartbreaking.

On top of that I had some other personal problems regarding uncertainty about my education as well as my job and I had to take a few difficult decisions that added to a stressful situation.

Now I am taking it one day at a time. Some days are fulfilling and good, other days are depressing and frustrating. Most days are a mixture of tons of feelings. This is honestly been a roller-coaster, with lots uncertainty. This is a very humbling lesson and really showed me how little control we have over our lives, or how little we know what the outcome of our decisions will be. I am still trying to get my groove back till life starts making a little more sense. Till then I am grateful for the roof over my head, the beautiful city I live and get to stroll in, coffee, the lovely people I’ve met a long the way, and my partner who is honestly the best.

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All the best,

¬Lir


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